and it wasn’t that decent Dream Theater song either. it was more like:
and it wasn’t that decent Dream Theater song either. it was more like:
i don’t usually write this much, but it was worth it to help myself out of a slump, and hopefully worth much more than that by helping at least one of you out there.
i always dwell on others’ unhealthy relationships, trying to find a way to pierce their perspective and have them view their coupledom from an outside point-of-view (that’s always been a fault of mine, is overcommitment to help people, even if i can’t). but you can’t connect on that level with people who are in love; unhealthy relationships only exist from the sole belief of both sides thinking the relationship is, in fact, healthy. it is their own reality. and this, to me, is like watching two people drown, and not being able to do anything about it, and the reason you can’t do anything is because it doesn’t cross their minds that they ARE drowning… because as long as they have each other, nothing else matters.
this is ironic, because i realize i have created the same false sense of happiness without even being in a relationship.
with unrequited love, the feeling is the same every morning: you wish you were still sleeping. the bed seems unnaturally large for one person… almost empty even. i check my texts from the night before, pretending to not care if i get a text from her. then i meditate, which gets rid of the shit feelings until the next time the world fills my life’s diaper.
i don’t think that people are inherently good or that they are inherently evil, which is why i choose to believe that they are inherently good.
next to love, i consider humor to be a pretty good guy eh doesn’t afraid of things: when i was in highschool, Scrubs was one of the last shows on TV i decided was worth my short attention span.. prolly cuz it could make me laugh while the rest of the world’s funny boner fell flaccid.
i don’t think the friend zone exists as much as people think.
if i’ve learned anything from my twenty years of looking at people, it’s that people don’t look at things. sure, a boy (typically) can be damned to the nine circles of the friendship inferno, but it isn’t always because he’s just that “nice guy.”
first off, if a girl limits a boy from boyfriend material merely because he’s friend material, then she will only ever be with boys she unknowingly dislikes. labeling anyone as the “nice guy” (or anything for that matter) instantly relieves them of being someone more or less than that: i.e. themselves. lovers should be best friends. it sucks i actually hafta remind people of this.
second off! i see many boys who unintentionally limit themselves to actually being the “nice guy” because they focus so hard on NOT being that douchebag boyfriend. breakingnewsflashflood: you hafta be yourself in order to find intimacy. humans make mistakes and are douches to each other by accident, but they learn from that. when you pretend to be someone who doesn’t exist: someone who puts up a wall of “nice” in front of themselves, nobody will be able to get in and see a person they may actually love.
this is also another paragraph. boys and girls. penises and vaginas. don’t be so Harry met Sally. express your feelings for each other however you can… even if it’s through a shitty fuckin’ text that i’m still humiliated about. when both sides think they’re in non-existent friend zones, then those illusions become reality.
friendships tend to last longer than relationships anyways.
1) First thing i do: i wake up. I punch God in the face. He merely observes without judging, so it’s okay.
2) The sun waits for me to wake up before it rises. It sets when it can’t keep up with me anymore.
3) My awesomeness is directly related to how much Trailmix i consume… I eat approximately one lethal serving for any layperson.
4) Whenever i walk into a new room, doves coincidently announce my presence.
5) I never run out of toilet paper. And when i do, there’s a bidet alternative. (get it?! bidet alternative?!)
6) I have the only cure for AIDS, as i’m the only one that can make Chuck Norris cry.
7) I like bands before they’re popular, don’t tell anyone, and still like them after they’ve become popular.
8) I trip little kids, then treat them to ice cream. Boom. Instant real world experience.
9) Vegetarian diet.
10) I say sorry to God before i go to bed. It doesn’t matter though, because he merely observes without judging.
11) I crank things up to level 11.
Hah, well… extremely recently, i told (texted, unfortunately) someone very important to me how i felt about her. Cliché, yes, but this was different for me… 1) having to say (text, ugh) this to such a good friend had me feeling foolish and 2) loving someone who’s already in a relationship kinda sorta makes me feel like an amoral dickbag. It really did go against my short list of morals. I am a dickbag for this.
It’s not like i wanted her to return feelings (even though that would’ve given me a reason to wake up in the morning)… i just felt compelled to… as love is the thing i value most in life, and i felt i had to be open about something that means so much to me to someone who means just as much to me.
I also confessed, because i felt fake around her. Hiding something so huge to me from someone i trust so much had me feeling like i was pretending to be someone else. I did this so that if anything came from it, it would be a better friendship.
I’m so gay.
How real is everything we cannot see?
In places unseen, how real can this be?
Invisible light casting shadow worlds;
Each realm waiting for the truth to unfurl.
We sleep with sound spirits of our being
Dreaming of all human love and bleeding,
Until we all dream dry
To long lost memories not forsaken.
This is a slightly funny/sentimental take on the pokemon narrative, but I feel like it’s somewhat deep. I can’t help but think there is so much more to this… of how people look at others, and allow their minds to arrive at some sort of conclusion or final product… like somehow all of us are equations that can be solved and produce a definite value… like somehow other persons are incapable of being amorphous, or that they lack the capacity of having more than one dimension to their personality; the variable we come to assign others only has one value, and this value is measured by a geometrical point without any spatial extent.
I see this too often in most people, of how individuals perceive other individuals, or of how individuals perceive the collective whole. In either sense, the judgmental tyke will think that he or she “gets it” (to speak in broad terms) and that most others fail at seeing what it is “to get.” …As if those others can’t possibly comprehend what it is to think like a human being.
There’s irony in this. For example: Boy will have thoughts about Girl; that she is “this” and that she is unaware of being “this”. What Boy is doesn’t know, however, is that Girl thinks that he is “that” and that he is unaware of being “that”. This unseen, symmetrical, illogical labeling gives both sides an unfair chance of appearing as themselves to the one another, all because they both think they have something figured out that the other doesn’t. As a result of each person thinking he or she knows the other, they both actually know nothing about each other.
Now, I know I’m a music nerd, but metaphors are awesome, and I think the following is an appropriate analogy of people who think they’ve “got it” but don’t.
There are people who answer the question, “What music do you listen to?” with “Oh, I listen to everything.”
This one answer has two meanings.
Obviously, there’s no way to literally listen to everything. Whenever I provide this answer, it really means, “I invest valuable time in discovering and attempting to appreciate new music as it helps me better understand my own thoughts and feelings on a universal level,” but I’m not gonna explain that every time my musical taste is questioned. It’s too damn long of an answer.
Then there’s the other meaning of the “oh, everything” answer.
There are people who use this answer as if it’s some sort of gateway to a higher tier than people who don’t listen to “everything.” To me, this instantly relieves those people of any value in what they listen to, because they are not listening to music for its true values (the reflection of one’s thoughts and ideas)… they are listening to music as a tool for a Whose Dick Is Bigger? Contest.
These people think they get music when they really don’t, just like the people who think they get other humans when they really don’t. Actually, observations tell me that this is more likely less of a metaphor of two different types of people, and more of two different traits found within the same person. There’s more irony in this, because these people are unaware of their failed awareness of things (such as music and people).
I sincerely cannot comprehend why so many people are this way to each other, so this is where my analysis becomes pure speculation. If my metaphor is worth poop-diddly, then I can conjure the possibility that people act this way because they are not investing valuable time in discovering and appreciating new people for the sole purpose of better understanding things at a universal level.
It is another Big Dick Contest, where egos get stroked for the types of friendships they’re in; these are the same egos that get off on the genres of music listened to. Because these people don’t listen to music for its true values, and because they listen to music for the same reason they interact with people, then by the transitive property, we can assume why these people perceive others in a one-dimensional spotlight… because these people don’t interact with others for the true values that can be found in human beings.
I don’t hate these people. In fact, I currently don’t dislike anyone. I like so many people in life… I love people! But an alarming number of people I meet possess this pet peeve of mine to some extent… even some of my closest friends and loved ones. It’s just become so increasingly frustrating for me throughout the years to deal with.
Which is why I live on tumblr now… or in Pokemon. i’m gonna go not judge Gary now.
i’ve been thinking of death a lot lately. like, for a couple of weeks lately. like, if it was my job, and i worked overtime, and i secretly knew i was working for free, and all the benefits were paid in full existential dread.
Nietzsche was right about the abyss by the way.
i dunno what sparked it, on the account of i came to terms with death before my balls even dropped; but now, for some reason, i hafta grow a pair again. it’s like someone accidently deleted hundreds of hours of my Final Fantasy data, and i hafta compulsively play through all of them again to prove that i beat those asshole bosses.
i don’t understand why death is taboo. i ask intellectuals what they think about it, and it’s like asking a wizard for their opinion on Voldemort. it would be less awkward diverging the ramifications of a blumpkin. why are intellectuals so dumb?
death is sad; it isn’t easy to let go of everything we’ve ever loved (or hated), let alone to experience the permanent departure of a loved one. but i’ve always found death to be one of the most beautiful things any living thing can do, next to being born. death is proof that one was once full of life, which is a miracle in itself. did you know that 93% of the human body is made of stardust? we’re walking poetry and don’t even know it. when we return to the stars, others are gonna wish upon us.
i’m reading four books right now that aren’t Harry Potter. i just noticed they all coincidentally include the theme of accepting death:
1) The Gift is about art in a culture ruled by commodities, and it explains the death of the identity in a spiritual sense as a gift to the Self.
2) Be Here now is a Buddhist book that teaches you how to return to the One with a One is All and All is One attitude, so essentially, it prepares you for death your whole life.
3) Killing Yourself to Live is a hilariously deep essay by my favorite author, Chuck Klosterman, where he talks about death in pop-culture and how celebrities become more famous after death.
i’m not sure if these readings caused my deathly dwellings or if they are actually the effects, but i love Scrubs and i’m gonna go watch more of it.